


Longing

by the_technicolor_whiscash



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Canon Divergence, Confessions of love, F/M, First Kiss, Some angst, like everything else I write lol
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-08
Updated: 2019-04-08
Packaged: 2020-01-06 18:21:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18393824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_technicolor_whiscash/pseuds/the_technicolor_whiscash
Summary: Ben has been in love with Leslie for a long, long time. But with Chris’s rule of no inter-government dating, he’s been skirting around his feelings, trying to avoid the inevitable.





	Longing

**Author's Note:**

> MY FIRST PARKS AND REC FIC AAAAA  
> I’ve been watching the show for six years you’d think I’d have written a fic before but no I’ve never been able to write anything for it until now

He just couldn’t stop looking at her. 

Every time she was in the room, he found his gaze drawn to her. Not in a creepy way, at least he hoped not. But she had a kind of magnetism drawing him in, preventing him from noticing anyone else in the room. 

Maybe it was her golden hair, reflecting the light. Or her effervescent personality. Or the energy she had pouring out of her that she dedicated to her work. But whenever she was there, he couldn’t take his eyes off of her. 

It may have had something to do with the fact he was in love with her. 

Yes, Ben had been in love with Leslie for some time now. He had always thought she was cute, but it was that first time they had a beer together and really got to talking that he realized he might like to ask her out. After a few weeks of working together, and seeing her dedication to not only her job but to the people she worked with, Ben realized he might actually be falling in love. Which was a new sensation for him. And one he desperately wanted to pursue. 

But there was one problem. Chris’s rule. No inter-government dating. And Ben knew how strict Chris would be. He had gotten people fired over this rule. And, if it came down to it, Ben would gladly lose his job for Leslie, but he knew that Leslie would never risk her position. Not only did she love her job, but for a woman in government, even in this day and age, there was a chance Leslie wouldn’t ever be able to work in government again if she got fired for something like that. And that wasn’t something Ben wanted to risk. 

But every time she entered his office, beaming over her armfuls of binders, he found his will bending more and more. Ben had no idea when that will might break. 

As Ben sat at his desk, pouring over the latest spreadsheet detailing Pawnee’s atrocious finances, he heard a knock on the already-open office door. Lifting his head, he saw that it was Leslie. But instead of her usual grin, she was frowning. 

“I hate this gridlock.” She said, sitting down heavily in one of the chairs opposite Ben’s desk. “Half the time, I feel like I can’t get anything productive done.”

“I wish there was something I could do, but until the city’s finances get straightened out, we’re stuck.” Ben replied. He tried to look sympathetic. “But I’m sure you’ll be able to figure something out.”

“That’s the problem. I don’t know if I can, with zero funding. Sure, we’ve got volunteers, and people willing to take pay cuts, and that kind of thing, but that’s not enough for the major projects I really want to do.”

“For major projects, I don’t know if Pawnee is the place you want to be. In a larger city, maybe.”

“But I love Pawnee. I love its people, and its buildings, and its parks, and I can’t serve them properly without the proper funding. My job as a civil servant is to give the people the best parks I can, and I just can’t do that without funding.” She sighed. “I’m sorry I’m laying this all on you. I know this isn’t your fault.”

“Then go to city council. Cause a raucous. Pitch your ideas over and over, until they can’t ignore you anymore.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to do! And instead of listening, they just look mildly irritated and close the door on me. I know they wouldn’t give me half as much shit if I were a man.”

“Why don’t you have Ron try and pitch them, then?”

Leslie raised an eyebrow, and without even saying anything, Ben understood how he was wrong. 

“Ron would never do something like that, would he.”

“Nope. Plus,” Leslie sighed, “I don’t want a man to have to help me get through to city council. It’s gotta be me.”

“Of course. Sorry, I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s fine. It’s not something you would have to think about. But as a woman in a generally misogynistic society, it’s something I have to think about all the time. When a woman is successful, especially in government, men in government will continue to look for ways to drag her down. A powerful woman is seen as a threat, or seen as just looking for attention. I can’t tell you how many people who’ve asked me what my boyfriend thought of my job.”

“Jesus. That’s none of their business.”

“It isn’t. And yet people still make it their business.” Leslie checked her watch, standing. “I should be going. Thanks for the chat. I needed to get a lot of that off of my chest.”

“Of course. And if you ever need to complain more about the patriarchy, I’m always here. Well, not always. But usually.”

Leslie smiled. “I might take you up on that offer.” 

Ben watched her as she left. As soon as she was out of the room, Ben sighed, spinning around in his office chair. God, he was in love with her. These quick chats were becoming more and more common, as Leslie grew more and more comfortable with Ben’s presence in Pawnee. He wished she would have stayed, would have talked about everything and nothing with him for the rest of time. 

Ben tried to return his attention to his spreadsheets, but to no avail. He was far too distracted, thoughts instantly flying back to Leslie. This whole “being in love” thing wasn’t exactly conducive to getting work done. Chris hadn’t noticed Ben’s decline in productivity yet, but it was only a matter of time. 

Maybe… Perhaps Chris would make an exception for Ben. Maybe he would bend the rule a bit, turn a blind eye to Ben and Leslie. 

Chris walked past Ben’s desk into his office with the usual pep in his step. He must’ve just been on a run, as he was wearing his usual running shirt and was clutching a water bottle. 

“Hey, Chris,” Ben yelled into Chris’s office, “You busy?”

“Not currently. Just finished a light 10k.” Chris jogged back out to Ben’s desk. Naturally, the man wasn’t sweating. He seemed to be impervious to sweat. Or any of the other negative effects of exercising, for that matter. “What’s up?”

“I know you have a rule about dating within government.”

“It’s not my rule. It’s a rule that’s in all governments.”

“But you’re the one who enforces it.”

“Yes, that’s me.” 

“Anyway, I wanted to know…” Ben was only now realizing how bad this would make him look. But there was no turning back now. “If you could make an exception for me, wanting to date someone in the government.”

“Sorry, Ben. No exceptions. If I made an exception for you, who else would come out of the woodwork asking for exceptions?”

“Right. Yeah. Of course.” 

“If I might ask, who were you thinking about dating?”

Ben felt himself turning bright red. “Uh, I’d rather not say.”

Chris nodded. “Well, it doesn’t matter.” Chris proceeded into his office, but popped his head back out. “Ben, if you’re lonely, I know plenty of people who would be perfect for you. Only say the word, and I’ll pass along their numbers.”

“I think I’ll pass, but thanks.”

Chris was not one to see his friends be lonely, and thus pushed the bill. As Ben had been perpetually single the whole time he had known Chris, Chris had tried time and time again to set up Ben with one of his many, many friends. It hadn’t worked before, and it certainly wasn’t going to work now. “Are you sure? Because there’s my friend Sara, who likes Star Trek too, enough to go to conventions.”

“I’m sure.”

“Or Wayne, he’s an accountant too, you’d have that in common, and I’m sure a lot more.”

“No, Chris.” It wasn’t that he wasn’t willing to date men. He was. The problem was that he was in love with Leslie. 

“Alright, fine. But I’ll email you some potential options.”

Ben rolled his eyes. Chris was nothing if not persistent. 

\----------------------

“Remind me why I agreed to do this again?”

“Because, it’ll be fun! And it allows us to mingle with other single folks. That’s why they call it a ‘Singles Mixer.’ Who knows, maybe you’ll meet your soulmate!” Chris elbowed him playfully. 

Ben didn’t believe in soulmates, at least, not in the way fiction always presented it. Mainly because of how his parents had been divorced for thirty years. But nonetheless, he gave Chris a halfhearted smile. “Maybe.”

“Go on, mingle!”

Ben sculked his way through the crowd, his hand locked on to his gin and tonic. It wasn’t that Ben didn’t like talking to people. It was something he had to do all the time when he was mayor, so a comfort around crowds had been ground into him at a young age. However, having to speak one on one with someone and introduce himself in a way that would make him attractive… that was more of a challenge. So he tried to disappear into the background. Naturally, he was not the only one. 

“Your friend drag you here?” Asked a man with hair pulled into a ponytail with a bit of a stubbly beard. His scribbled nametag seemed to read Derek, and he had a bottle of some expensive beer in front of him.

“Yeah, he’s over there.” Ben pointed at Chris, who was currently surrounded by half a dozen people of varying genders. 

“Life of the party, I see.” Derek leaned over, in an attempt to see Chris’s face. “And for good reason. He looks like the damn six-million-dollar man.”

“That’s the consensus, yeah.”

“You in love with him?”

“No.” Admittedly, Derek hadn’t been the first person to ask something about those lines.

“Then why’re you sulking in the corner? You’re a good looking guy.”

It probably wasn’t the best to pour your heart out to a stranger at a singles mixer, but Ben was going to anyway. “I’m in love with someone else.”

“Ah, I see. Then why’d you agree to come to this?”

“Because if I dated her, I’d risk us both getting fired.”

“So? Which do you love more, the girl or your job?”

“The girl, but-”

“Then who gives a shit? Tell her how you feel, and let whatever happens happen.”

“The problem is, she loves her job, and I don’t want to be responsible for her losing it.”

“Fine, then live in misery.” Derek stood, downed the entire bottle of beer in one go, and slammed it back onto the table. “But know you’re missing your chance for happiness.” 

Ben was speechless as Derek left, disappearing out the dingey bar’s heavy wood door. 

The minutes ticked by, and Ben thought over Derek’s advice. Of course, the man had been right about one thing, and it was that Ben would be miserable if he didn’t at least tell Leslie about his feelings. It would be suicide for his career, but he loved her more than he loved… well, anything. 

It was the end of the night. Most of the singles had gone home, either with a suitable partner or with disappointment. Ben finished off his drink and eyed the few scattered people left, and noticed a definite lack of Chris. He checked his phone. Sure enough, Chris had left with someone, leaving Ben with the number of a cab company. Because Chris had been the one to drive them there.

Ben could’ve called a cab, but he felt like a walk. Even though he didn’t really know how long the walk would be back to April and Andy’s house would be. Technically it was his house now. Though it didn’t really feel that way.

The cool night air helped to clear his thoughts. Pawnee wasn’t that large of a city, and thus Ben could still see quite a few stars. He walked in what he hoped was the direction of the house, but as he walked down yet another unfamiliar street, he was beginning to think he should’ve called that cab. That was, until he heard a car honk beside him, nearly scaring his skeleton out of his body. 

“Ben! Sorry, did I scare you? I didn’t mean to.” Leslie yelled out the open car window.

“It’s fine!” He lied. 

“Why are you walking towards Eagleton at midnight?” 

Ah. So clearly, he had been going the wrong way. Oops. “Chris kind of left me at a singles’ mixer, and I thought I would walk home. Problem is, I don’t really know how to get there.”

“Need a lift?”

“Yeah, if it’s not too much trouble.”

“Get in.” 

Ben climbed into her car, trying to ignore the fact his heart had started to race. “Thanks for this. I’m still trying to get my bearings around Pawnee.”

“You shouldn’t walk around after dark. It’s raccoon party time. Why didn’t you just call a cab?”

“I thought I could use a walk. Just to sort some things out.”

“Did it help?”

It certainly didn’t help the butterflies now consuming Ben’s stomach. “A little, yeah.” He knitted his hands, in an effort to prevent them from tapping the armrest anxiously. “What were you doing out so late?”

“Late-night waffle run. JJ’s is open 24 hours, so sometimes when I can’t sleep, I go and grab a waffle.”

They fell into silence for a moment, which usually never happened. Usually, Leslie was always looking for a moment to tell Ben about something in her day, or something she thought he would like, or the latest bills she wanted to push forward, or some drama in congress. But tonight, for some reason, there was an air of hesitation looming over the both of them.

“So.” Leslie finally said, clearing her throat. “A singles’ mixer, huh.”

“Chris’s idea. I never would have gone if he didn’t drag me.”

“Meet anyone nice?” There was curiosity in her voice, but something else, too. A thin layer of bitterness, maybe. 

“Not really. One guy gave me advice on dating, which I appreciated, but there was no one that really stuck out to me.”

“Clearly, things ended better for Chris.”

“I’d say so. Considering the guy who gave me advice described Chris as ‘the six-million-dollar man.’”

Leslie laughed. “Yeah, I can see that. I don’t think I’ve ever met a more active human being.”

“I swear, the only time he stops moving is when he’s meditating. He made me do it once with him when we were on an especially stressful case because it was supposed to balance out my chakras or something. Problem was, I hadn’t eaten beforehand, and was so focused on the fact we had driven past a McDonald’s on the way there that I spent the whole time thinking about cheeseburgers instead of clearing my mind. It was the longest hour of my life.”

Leslie laughed again, a beautiful sound. She just sounded so unabashedly happy when she laughed, it made Ben love her even more. “I don’t think that’s how you’re supposed to meditate.”

“Worst part was, Chris refused to go to the McDonald’s after, and instead drove a half hour out of the way in order to visit a vegan gastropub.” Ben smiled, shaking his head. “I’ve known the guy for years, and I still get overwhelmed sometimes.”

“Well, lucky for you, I don’t think there are any meditation centers in Pawnee. The people aren’t exactly open to other ways of thinking. A juice mill tried to open up, and the owners were run out of town with pitchforks.”

“Good lord. What year was this?”

“2009.”

Ben remembered the horrific mural scenes in city hall, and was no longer shocked. There was one called Eating the Reverend. “Pawnee is by far the most unique town I’ve ever lived in.”

“But you like it?”

“I like most of it. Could do without the raccoons. And the people hurling insults at me when I try to cancel the youth basketball league.”

“It’s important to the kids! Sports are a way we grow and connect with our community, even if I don’t understand half the rules. And our raccoon problem has improved. They have their side of town, and we have ours.”

Ben didn’t even realized they were already at his house until he noticed the car come to a stop. He didn’t want to leave. “Well, uh, thanks for the ride.”

“Sure thing.”

Ben’s hand was on the door handle, but he wasn’t opening it yet. “Do you wanna come in for a drink or something?” His mouth went dry. “It’s, uh, the least I can do to repay you.”

Leslie’s eyes widened. “You don’t need to repay me. It was a favor. I was driving this way anyways.”

“I want to. You’re always doing things for other people. I want to do something for you.”

Ben watched the gears turn in Leslie’s head as she thought about the implications of such a thing. “Are April and Andy home?”

“Probably.”

“Alright. One drink.”

As it turned out, April and Andy weren’t home. Where they were, Ben had no idea. Nonetheless, Leslie seemed in no urge to leave upon hearing the news, and so they sat down on the (admittedly quite grimy) couch, beer in hand.

“Place looks a lot different from the last time I was here.” Leslie said.

“Yeah, well, I had the dynamic duo go and get actual adult things like plates and spoons and napkins. I still do most of the cooking, but at least they no longer wash their clothes with Mr Bubble.”

“You cook? Are you good?”

“I think I’m average. But I like doing it. It’s relaxing after a stressful day.”

Leslie smiled. “Like meditation, except you get food out of it.”

“Exactly. I should cook for you sometime.”

“I’d like that.” Suddenly, Leslie’s face fell, and she stared down at her beer. “I probably shouldn’t be drinking this. Even just having one beer can count as impaired driving. Any idea when April and Andy will be getting back?” She was rambing. Nervous. Which only made Ben nervous too. 

“I have no idea. They don’t tend to tell me these things.”

“It’s late. I have to work tomorrow.”

“Leslie, tomorrow’s Saturday.”

“You know I like to work through the weekends.”

“I know.”

“I should be leaving.” Leslie said, but she didn’t stand up. 

“Alright.” Ben’s eyes were locked on Leslie’s lips. He desperately wanted to kiss her. Almost subconsciously, he found himself leaning in, and there was no mistaking that Leslie was leaning in too, and suddenly the gap between them had closed. 

Ben had imagined kissing Leslie before. Many times. To the point where he had written self-insert fanfiction that resulted in him kissing her. But nothing could have prepared him for the real thing. Leslie’s lips were impossibly soft, and he couldn’t help but caress her cheek with his hand as her lips parted, and he deepened the kiss. 

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” Was the first sentence out of Leslie’s mouth when they finally separated. 

“I know. I know.”

“We could get fired.”

“I know.”

Leslie stood abruptly. Ben could see tears in her eyes, as she fought them back. “Stop saying that! Say something else, anything else, to make me feel like this wasn’t a mistake.”

Standing, Ben cupped her cheek, wiping away a tear with his thumb. “I love you.”

Yanking Ben down by his collar, Leslie kissed him again. This time, it was more aggressive. More passionate. Because they both had something to lose. 

Without warning, the door to the house flew open. Andy and April stumbled in as Ben and Leslie flew apart, attempting to hide what they had just been doing. Andy was wearing a traffic cone on his head, and April had a grin on her face that only appeared when they got into trouble.

“Hey, Ben!” Andy said loudly. “I didn’t know you ever stayed up this late. Oh, hi, Leslie.”

April was very invested in what had just been happening in the living room. “Hi, Leslie, what are you doing in our house?”

Ben felt like throwing up. Fortunately, Leslie was a quick thinker. “We were talking about… work things.” Well, quick to a point. 

“What kind of work things?”

“Budget cuts.” Ben croaked. A terrible, awful, blatantly transparent lie.

“And, uh, I was just leaving.” Leslie said. 

“I’m sure you were.” April nodded knowingly. That was a bad sign. But even though April was generally terrifying, she wasn’t malicious, and probably wouldn’t tell. Probably. “Well, you two can get back to whatever you were doing. Andy, c’mon.” 

They proceeded into their room, and Ben let out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. “They won’t tell. I know them, they wouldn’t put us in jeopardy like that.”

“This was a bad idea. I have to go.” She started for the door.

“Leslie,”

She didn’t turn around.

“Leslie, please.”

She paused at the door, throwing a pained look at him. Then, she was gone.

Ben drank the rest of his beer. He drank what she had left of hers. Then he passed out in bed fully clothed, and woke up the next morning with a headache not entirely caused by the alcohol.

\-------------------

“You, sir, have been in a rut all day.” Chris said, approaching Ben’s desk. “Was your time at the mixer really that bad?”

“It’s not that. That was fine. It’s just… other things in my life right now.” Chris was right, in that Ben had had a dark cloud over his head the entire day. He tried to push past it, tried to say it was for the best, but he just felt awful. “I might have to go home early.”

“Is it the stomach flu? I’ve heard that’s going around. The nasty kind that comes out both the front and back ends.”

If Ben wasn’t feeling entirely sick before, he was now. “I don’t know, but I think I’m coming down with something.” 

“Well, if you start to feel your lunch come back up, don’t ask, just go.”

“Thanks.” Ben smirked. When Chris was out of eyeshot, Ben laid his head down on his desk. The cool wood felt good on his skin. 

“Hi, Ben.” Said a voice that definitely wasn’t Chris. 

Ben looked up. Ann stood in front of him, her arms crossed defiantly. “Hi, Ann.”

“Leslie wants you to know that she’ll be in Harvey James Park at 7:30 tonight, at the bench on the tallest hill.”

Ben frowned. “That’s cryptic. Is she planning to murder me?”

“That part she didn’t tell me.” Ann glanced into Chris’s office. Then, she whispered harshly, “But if you hurt her, in any way, I’ll murder you myself.”

Ben lifted his head off the desk, a confused expression crossing his face. “Ann, you know I would never hurt Leslie.”

“I would like to think so. But just in case, I’ve been watching a lot of Criminal Minds lately. And I know for a fact Leslie would help me hide a body.”

“I promise you, I won’t hurt her.”

“Good.” Ann was the kind of ride-or-die friend that Ben could wholeheartedly respect. And she left Ben with an absolutely bewildered expression on his face. 

Nonetheless, he knew he had to meet Leslie at that park. He hadn’t seen her at all at work today, and wouldn’t even know what to say if he did. Plus, he had a feeling that if he chickened out, Ann would slash his tires. And he wasn’t about to chicken out.

\----------------------

It wasn’t hard to find the tallest hill in Harvey James Park, since there was really only one. Indiana was a remarkably flat state. The hill was most likely at one point either a trash dump or a graveyard, since there were no naturally-made hills in the area. The thought did not reassure Ben any as he trudged up the short incline. 

Naturally, Leslie was already there. She had probably been there for a couple of hours. Ben felt a twinge of regret, knowing how long she was probably waiting. 

“Ann said you wanted to meet.” Ben said. “She also threatened to murder me if I hurt you.”

Leslie smiled fondly. “Aww, that’s sweet of her.” She patted the bench beside where she was sitting. “Sit down. If you want.”

“Ok.” Ben sat down. It wasn’t a large bench, and every so often their knees would knock together. “We have to talk about this.”

“That’s why I invited you here. To talk.” Leslie took a deep breath. “I love you, too.” 

Ben felt as though he had just been struck by a lightning bolt of happiness. But it didn’t last long, when he saw the look on her face. “But?”

“But we could lose our jobs. Chris could fire one or both of us, and I just… I can’t face that.”

“Right. Right. Of course. I don’t want that for you. We can just pretend like it never happened, and-”

“Wait. I have an idea that might work, at least for the time being.”

“I’m all ears.”

“We just don’t tell anyone. It’ll take a lot of sneaking around, and we’ll have to be constantly vigilant, but I want to be with you.” Leslie took his hands into her own. Her hands were small, and very warm. “I know it’s crazy, and risky, and it probably won’t work, but I can’t imagine spending another day without you. If you don’t want to-”

It was Ben’s turn to interrupt. “Let’s do it.”

Ben couldn’t tell who it was that began the kiss, nor did he care. All that mattered was that he was kissing her, and she was kissing back.

**Author's Note:**

> Ben is bi you can’t change my mind


End file.
